Who are you?

Some mornings I look in the mirror and am so confused. When did I start to look like my Mom?(My Mom is a lovely woman , who looks younger than her age. My comments in no way mean she has all these "ailments" that I am complaining about...) I have always looked younger than my actual age. Sometimes I liked that, sometimes, not so much. The older I got though, the more I LOVED that I looked younger. But, much like the switch a teen flips at age 13 and becomes an alien life form, I flipped a switch (unintentionally!) at age 40 and became an old lady. Suddenly, my hair is thinning. My eyebrows are falling out. My neck has so many wrinkles that I resemble elephant skin. Don't even get me started on my hands! Ugh. I am not handling aging well. I have had blood work done and my hair and eyebrow issue is not health related, which I'm glad about, but at least then there was a possible fix. I look my age now. I don't like it.

When I went to my 10 year class reunion I had had 2 kids. I was thinner than I was at graduation. I looked awesome. Now, I have had 4 kids. I am over 40. I used to be able to say "I need to lose weight." and BAM! 5 pounds were gone. Now I say "I need to lose weight." And I get stressed because I know it's going to be hard. I panic. I eat the tube of chocolate chip cookie dough and gain another 3 pounds. A few years ago I started running. I really like running. It's quiet when you go out for a run. The trouble with running is you have to have time. Not only time to run, but time to change your clothes, stretch, drink water, go to the bathroom because you drank water. (I have had 4 kids. I cannot even think about running with fluid in my bladder. Or jumping on a trampoline. Or sneezing.) Then you have to have time to clean up after run. The other issue is that I like to run outside, not on a treadmill. So, then you are dependant on the weather. I am not a cold weather runner. I am not a cold weather outside goer. The bottom line is that I need to lose weight. The bottom bottom line is that I like to eat and be warm and not look for time to get all sweaty.

I know I should look at my face like Martina McBride sings..."Every last laugh line on your face, Made you who you are today." But I don't. I look at it and think "When did this happen? Who did this to you? At what point did your skin scream 'mercy!'? What are you going to do about it?" I look at my body and think I should be grateful that it has carried me through 40+ years. It is healthy. It took me through years of dance, the abuse high school pom pom put on it. It managed 4 healthy pregnancies and 4 spectacular deliveries . OK, I am grateful and respectful and actually, in awe. It is amazing that my body has done all that. I would be more grateful if I could still rock the braless look. Now I have to put a bra on before I can button and zip my pants. I had drawsting pajama pants on a few nights ago. That was an adventure at 2 in the morning. I am not handling aging well.

I don't know why my appearance aged so quickly. Maybe it's my diet. Maybe I handle stress poorly. Maybe it was my time. I just know that when I look in the mirror I can't see me. I am thrilled though that my Mom has come for a visit. Oh wait, I guess it's me.