Have you ever heard Brad Paisley sing "So Much Cooler Online"? I can relate to the song. I "talk" to several "friends" online. They are people I have met at one time or another in my life. Or people I haven't met but know much about through a mutual friend. Most of the people I chat with I haven't seen in 25 years! I have changed lots in 25 years. My weight is different. I am not as self conscious as I used to be (Well, except for the weight. And my personality. Maybe strike the previous statement). I am stronger emotionally. But, I am also not as caring, affectionate and sweet as I once was. But...online, I can be who I want, or who I think I am, as opposed to who I am in my day to day life. It's not like I'm taking on a persona...just going back in time to when I was a simpler person. When I didn't have bills to pay, dishes or laundry to do, kids to manage. Time in many ways has made me a better person. But time has also taken away some of the qualities I like most about myself, which brings me back to the song...online I can be the "old" me (funny 'cause it's really the young me!).
Online, people can't see my now 42 year old body. Perhaps they still picture me with my 18 year old body which unfortunately I didn't realize I had. I didn't appreciate it or use it to my advantage. Online, people see me as fun, caring, happy. AT least that's what I'm hoping. Again, I'm not pretending to be someone else...I AM all those things. But in day to day life, those things get buried under the dishes, laundry, kids, my weight. Online...all that other stuff isn't there.
Last night I was talking to a friend online. Someone I'm not sure I ever had a real conversation with before computers. He is in the process of writing a book about "regular" people and their stories. So we had this talk about how you want your story read and if you are living that life now. I think my life is just happening...I'm not living it, creating it. It was an interesting concept. I think I disappoint people in person that I haven't seen for awhile because so much of my "bubbly" is drained.
I need to merge my old (young)self, my cool, online self, and the current me. I need to create my life story the way I want it to read. That's so much to think about, to consider. What characters do you need to add depth to? Delete? Add? What adventures should you find? How will you handle tragedy?
I plan on trying to live my life as I want my story read. More laughter, less drama. (I must have forgotten I have three teenagers and a preschooler). More playtime, less housework. (Oh, I LIKE that one!) More learning, less worrying. (uh, huh...I said it, less worrying) I plan to revive my bubbly. I don't know HOW I'm going to do all this, but I'm going to try. You don't get a do over to your life story. I'm not liking these middle chapters. Time to shake things up, give the plot a twist.
How do you want your life story to read? What steps are you taking to make it read that way? Are you like me? So much cooler online? I want to be cooler in my day to day life. That sounds like a story I'd like to read.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Rants in Waves
I have so many things on my mind lately. I had a mammogram yesterday. My 13 yr. old is burning through her cell phone minutes. I drink WAY too much diet coke. My daughter has had a headache and ear ache for nearly 5 weeks. My son graduates from high school in 6 weeks. I want to complete a photo album and a quilt for him before graduation. My son needs to be at college (some 10+ hours away) August 9th. We need to pay for college! My 25th high school class reunion is July 31st. I want to lose weight. I want to exercise. Oh the list goes on. And on. And on. I am tired. I think I am tired from all these thoughts. Maybe being tired is an effective means of procrastinating the above tasks.
Mammograms...I had a "baseline" one when I was 35. I didn't think it was as bad as people made it sound. I had another mammogram at 38. I had found a huge lump. I had an ultrasound then too. It was just a normal thickening due to hormonal changes...it was getting close to my period. Well, so we all thought. Actually, I was pregnant. (SURPRISE!) I have had annual mammograms the last 3 years. Yesterday was the first time I felt discomfort.
Maybe the discomfort was because it was the first time they didn't ask if I had implants. Talk about being humiliated! Thanks so much kids for the wear and tear on my previously perky boobs. So, the mammogram started out on a bummer. Then, the woman wanted my pectoral muscles in the "shot". So, she pulled, and tugged, and yanked. I think she got some back muscle too. Then she lowered the plexiglass and told me to say "when". She was going faster than I could holler. I think the machine begged for mercy at some point and the technician stopped squooshing. Then, you won't believe this...she said "Hold your breathe." If I had been physically able to laugh, I would have! I was not physically able to breathe. I think my lung was in that squoosher machine. So, I complete all 4 views and go back to get dressed. (and put on lotion and deodorant.) My whole chestal region is red and slightly welty. Then the technician says "If you feel discomfort, don't call your doctor. Just take what you would for a headache." So, I took some Tylenol for rest of the day. I was feeling discomfort. Having said that, I wouldn't change anything. Having a mammogram is important. The discomfort is temporary. It could save my life.
Then there's my 13 year old daughter. She is #3 in our family. She got a cell phone for Christmas. This was a really big deal...the other kids had to wait until high school. But #3 is involved in many school activities and we found ourselves waiting around a lot. She got a cell phone for MY convenience...not her enjoyment. I guess I failed to express that to her.
Our kids have Trac-phones. We buy minutes for them that last 90 days at a time. We buy a fair amount of minutes. I know it's a fair amount because in 4 years, child #1 has never run out of minutes. He has come close, but he watches and when necessary monitors them. We are strict about the cell phones. They can't use them at home. If they run out of minutes before the 90 days, they go without, or buy them themselves. But, like I said...in 4 years, this has ever happened. In 4 years, no one has lost a phone (knock on wood!). No one has run out of minutes. But WAIT! Child #3! She burned through her first 90 days of minutes in about 6 weeks. OK, I thought maybe I had done an accounting error. Maybe she misunderstood. So, I put on more minutes. Then I found out she was texting her boyfriend (Oh Lord, that is another story) after bed time which breaks several rules! So, I take the phone away. But, when she has a track meet at another school, I give her the phone. In two weeks...I said in TWO WEEKS, that girl burned through as many minutes as child #1 and child #2 use in 90 days!! Child #3 lost phone privileges until 9th grade. At the earliest. Guess we go back to waiting for her. Or she can wait for us...
All this makes me want a diet coke real bad. Time for a diet coke break. Ahhhhhh. But, that, I think, is a story for another time.
Mammograms...I had a "baseline" one when I was 35. I didn't think it was as bad as people made it sound. I had another mammogram at 38. I had found a huge lump. I had an ultrasound then too. It was just a normal thickening due to hormonal changes...it was getting close to my period. Well, so we all thought. Actually, I was pregnant. (SURPRISE!) I have had annual mammograms the last 3 years. Yesterday was the first time I felt discomfort.
Maybe the discomfort was because it was the first time they didn't ask if I had implants. Talk about being humiliated! Thanks so much kids for the wear and tear on my previously perky boobs. So, the mammogram started out on a bummer. Then, the woman wanted my pectoral muscles in the "shot". So, she pulled, and tugged, and yanked. I think she got some back muscle too. Then she lowered the plexiglass and told me to say "when". She was going faster than I could holler. I think the machine begged for mercy at some point and the technician stopped squooshing. Then, you won't believe this...she said "Hold your breathe." If I had been physically able to laugh, I would have! I was not physically able to breathe. I think my lung was in that squoosher machine. So, I complete all 4 views and go back to get dressed. (and put on lotion and deodorant.) My whole chestal region is red and slightly welty. Then the technician says "If you feel discomfort, don't call your doctor. Just take what you would for a headache." So, I took some Tylenol for rest of the day. I was feeling discomfort. Having said that, I wouldn't change anything. Having a mammogram is important. The discomfort is temporary. It could save my life.
Then there's my 13 year old daughter. She is #3 in our family. She got a cell phone for Christmas. This was a really big deal...the other kids had to wait until high school. But #3 is involved in many school activities and we found ourselves waiting around a lot. She got a cell phone for MY convenience...not her enjoyment. I guess I failed to express that to her.
Our kids have Trac-phones. We buy minutes for them that last 90 days at a time. We buy a fair amount of minutes. I know it's a fair amount because in 4 years, child #1 has never run out of minutes. He has come close, but he watches and when necessary monitors them. We are strict about the cell phones. They can't use them at home. If they run out of minutes before the 90 days, they go without, or buy them themselves. But, like I said...in 4 years, this has ever happened. In 4 years, no one has lost a phone (knock on wood!). No one has run out of minutes. But WAIT! Child #3! She burned through her first 90 days of minutes in about 6 weeks. OK, I thought maybe I had done an accounting error. Maybe she misunderstood. So, I put on more minutes. Then I found out she was texting her boyfriend (Oh Lord, that is another story) after bed time which breaks several rules! So, I take the phone away. But, when she has a track meet at another school, I give her the phone. In two weeks...I said in TWO WEEKS, that girl burned through as many minutes as child #1 and child #2 use in 90 days!! Child #3 lost phone privileges until 9th grade. At the earliest. Guess we go back to waiting for her. Or she can wait for us...
All this makes me want a diet coke real bad. Time for a diet coke break. Ahhhhhh. But, that, I think, is a story for another time.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ordinary Days
In one of the hundreds of magazines I have piled to read when I have time (ha ha)I found a blurb about a book called "The Gift of an Ordinary Day". Coincidentally, the same week someone sent me a link to a video by the books author reading an excerpt from her book. The premise she has is what I always think about. (By the way, I didn't finish the book. It wasn't what I was hoping for...)
I started thinking about "ordinary days" as I am putting together a photo album for my oldest son. He is graduating from high school in 2 months! Several years ago, my photo album lady had a class about "Windows in Time" and how to create an album that would go from birth through graduation. I have prepared an album for all my kids, but my son's is the first I have started to put photos in. Anyway, it was recommended to get an accordion folder and divide the photos by album page title, so I did. The titles include things like; activities, friends, dances, religion, school, winter holidays, spring, birthdays etc.. So, as I am putting photos in, it strikes me how many photos I have in front of birthday cakes and Christmas trees. Dyeing Easter eggs, and characters at Disneyworld. What don't I have photos of? The very things I will miss the most about being a parent. The things that make a day "ordinary".
I have often thought about having a video camera somewhere to record an ordinary day. The most precious things to me are the morning snuggles, the teeth brushing, the tickle wars. The bedtime stories, the little, innocent faces when they are finally asleep. Eating dinner together at the table, swinging on the swings, playing Candyland. These are the things I will miss the most when my kids are grown. They are the things I have no photos of. It is interesting that what is the most dear to our day, we choose not to photograph. Or, perhaps we are having so much fun enjoying these things that it is foolish to stop doing them simply to pose for a picture.
So, I see the authors title painfully true. The true gifts can't be unwrapped on birthdays or Christmas or even "just because". The true gifts of parenting are the wonders and joys and even the tears of an ordinary day.
I started thinking about "ordinary days" as I am putting together a photo album for my oldest son. He is graduating from high school in 2 months! Several years ago, my photo album lady had a class about "Windows in Time" and how to create an album that would go from birth through graduation. I have prepared an album for all my kids, but my son's is the first I have started to put photos in. Anyway, it was recommended to get an accordion folder and divide the photos by album page title, so I did. The titles include things like; activities, friends, dances, religion, school, winter holidays, spring, birthdays etc.. So, as I am putting photos in, it strikes me how many photos I have in front of birthday cakes and Christmas trees. Dyeing Easter eggs, and characters at Disneyworld. What don't I have photos of? The very things I will miss the most about being a parent. The things that make a day "ordinary".
I have often thought about having a video camera somewhere to record an ordinary day. The most precious things to me are the morning snuggles, the teeth brushing, the tickle wars. The bedtime stories, the little, innocent faces when they are finally asleep. Eating dinner together at the table, swinging on the swings, playing Candyland. These are the things I will miss the most when my kids are grown. They are the things I have no photos of. It is interesting that what is the most dear to our day, we choose not to photograph. Or, perhaps we are having so much fun enjoying these things that it is foolish to stop doing them simply to pose for a picture.
So, I see the authors title painfully true. The true gifts can't be unwrapped on birthdays or Christmas or even "just because". The true gifts of parenting are the wonders and joys and even the tears of an ordinary day.
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