I enjoy music. I enjoy singing along to the radio. I enjoy singing the words as I hear them, which means sometimes I get the words wrong. I rarely stop to think about the meaning of lyrics, or the mood of the song writer when the song was first written. I merely enjoy the beat of the music and hearing the words (as I hear them, not always as written.) So, all that gibberish leads me to this; I don't know what Adele is exactly singing about when she croons "Rolling In The Deep", but what I think of is life as I know it right now...and right now I am rolling in the deep crap.
Let's recap; my husband was transferred from Pittsburgh to Denver in January 2011. Our house went on the market in February of 2011 and it finally sold in March of 2012. My son goes to college in Georgia. My oldest daughter is a senior in high school. My next child is a freshman in high school and my youngest is in Kindergarten. My life is crazy all by it's self, without outside influences, but for the sake of this pity party, let's add some influences.
The high school in Denver said my daughter had to be in attendance for an entire semester before they would let her graduate. That meant she had to be there around Thanksgiving. So, when the house finally sold in March, we had no choice but to have her remain in Pittsburgh to have her graduate here. (Which was fine because that is what I wanted for her anyway...) BUT, staying meant I needed a place to live, with my kids, and my two cats. So, I started looking for rentals. Then I had this crazy idea...I asked my neighbor if we could move in with her and her kids and dog. Oh, I forgot to mention, my husband has been traveling back and forth between Pittsburgh and Denver since January 2011, and as of March 2012, he had to move there. Anyway, my neighbor was gracious enough to humor me and she let me, three kids and two cats move in with her, her three kids and her dog. It has been pure bliss for 10 weeks. Ok, maybe not bliss, but two moms, and six kids under one roof is tricky. It HAS been an easy transition though. My neighbor ("Big Mama") and I get along very well. We co-parent well. We have each other's backs. We always have someone to talk to, someone to help out. It has been very nice. (Except now there are four females 'synching' their monthly gift from Mother Nature. For that week we all roll in chocolate, tears and major attitude.)
This daughter (the oldest one) has had a sinus infection since October. She has been on several rounds of antibiotics. We have gone to allergists and E.N.T.'s. She still has a sinus infection. I hate seeing her feel sick. She thinks she is dying. I don't know what is wrong, or how to fix it, but I assure you, I think about it ALL THE TIME. I also think about how strange the house (when we someday have one again...) will be without two of my peeps in it.
A week before we closed on our house, my college aged son called to tell me he had just rolled his car three times down an embankment. He said he was fine, car was totaled. He had a pretty bad concussion for nearly a month. The amount of worry connected with this was inexplicable. The amount of stress I felt was through the roof. I seriously don't know how I have any hair left at all. That was two months ago. My son bought another car yesterday. I feel like I can't breathe, the worry, the concern. Add to that, I haven't seen him since Christmas. He couldn't come 'home' for the summer because we don't have a home. He doesn't know where he is going to live, or call 'home' after we move. He isn't sure where to title and license his new car. I have tremendous guilt over this. I feel like I have inadvertently kicked him out of the nest. If only he knew how much sleep I lose with the guilt, with the worry. I hate that we are moving so far from where he chose to go to college. I hate that he is growing up, even though that is what he is supposed to do. I like my birds in the nest with me. I like them to soar with the eagles by day, and nest with their mother at night.
My freshman age daughter asked to dye her hair pink. I let her. Her hair is really pink. I am self conscious about it. I don't want people to judge her based on her choice of hair color. She is not doing so well in a couple of her classes. I worry that she will have trouble adjusting to the move. I worry that her grades here will prohibit her from getting the classes she wants at the new school. She said her grades are poor because she hasn't been turning in home work. Then she asks when she can have a cell phone. Hmm, why can't she see the correlation between behavior and rewards/consequences? I feel guilty that everyone has a cell phone except her. She lays on the guilt trip about being able to stay in touch with her friends here when we move. I can see that without a cell phone it will be tricky. Oh, and without the facebook that I took away. Guess she may have to go old school and use a real phone, or God forbid, pen and paper.
My husband is choosing the house we will buy in Denver. I am admittingly, a control freak. This is a hard thing to give up, choosing a house to live in. I just can't tear myself away from my kids here, and Big Mama's kids, long enough to look for a house. Trying to organize things here for a week long house hunting trip seems overwhelming, something had to give...this was a big something.
My brain hurts seeing all this in print. All the things I am rolling in. The ingredients to my pity party. Of course, that all adds to my guilt. My life is good. I have healthy, pretty happy kids. They are smart and funny and polite. They are growing up and doing what they are supposed to do, becoming who they are supposed to be. I have a husband who goes to work everyday and brings home a paycheck that supports all of us. I have Big Mama who opened her home to us for four months. Life is good.
Time to be the rock, and set aside the rolling.
